


Ren's A Literal Child

by Lady_Lizz



Category: Cardfight!! Vanguard
Genre: Gen, Ibuki n Kai are mentioned, Naoki n Shingo get like two lines, Set some time post Stride Gate, Tetsu and Asaka being Parents, good parents? well., pure unadulterated crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 18:15:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Lizz/pseuds/Lady_Lizz
Summary: Ren turns into a ten-year-old for a day. No one knows why. I don't know why. It's a lot of work for Asaka and Tetsu. And many others they manage to rope into the situation.
Relationships: Suzugamori Ren & Narumi Asaka & Shinjou Tetsu
Comments: 15
Kudos: 10





	Ren's A Literal Child

**Author's Note:**

> This is weird and honestly most of the stuff I write is weird but this is ~extra~ weird
> 
> Thanks for reading, and enjoy!

Ren was never a person who specialized in being on time or completing his work, but this was a new low. Tetsu had already taken his place for an early morning meeting (which happened often, so he wasn’t that worried), though that was an hour ago, and he still hadn’t seen any traces of Ren throughout the branch. He’d called Ren’s cell phone three times before discovering it forgotten in a drawer beneath Ren’s desk. 

If nothing else, Tetsu would at least expect to find Ren downstairs in the fighting area by now. He checked, but to no avail. There were only a few children milling about the common room. One had strikingly red hair that caught Tetsu’s eye, but alas, it only belonged to another young patron. 

After that, Tetsu gave up. Ren was a grown adult, perfectly capable of handling himself. He’d show back up eventually, Tetsu concluded, so he hunkered down and got to work.

Barely half an hour later, Asaka peeked into the doorway of his office. “We have a situation.”

“Situation?” Tetsu repeated, narrowing his eyes at her. “Did you find Ren?” 

“Um. Well. Yes.” She stepped into the room, followed by a child who was clutching onto her hand and grinning deviously. The kid was only as tall as her chest and couldn’t have been older than ten. He had bright, wide red eyes and matching unruly hair that barely reached his shoulders. 

“Hiya, Tetsu!” The boy chirped, and if Tetsu didn’t already recognize his appearance, that high-pitched cheerful tone he remembered from their early school years hit him like bricks.

 _“R-Ren?!”_ Tetsu jumped up from his desk and hurried over to them. He knelt to reach the young boy’s eye level. “Why are you so small?”

Ren frowned. “Geez, Tetsu, I know you always _say_ I need to eat more, but calling me plain ‘small’ is a little insulting.”

Tetsu looked to Asaka for an answer. She shrugged, mildly panicking. “I-I found him downstairs having a match with the younger patrons! He ran right up to me when he was done and told me it was him and of course I believed him though I’m really not sure why—”

Ren giggled. “You walked right past me earlier, Tetsu! This thing’s a genius disguise!”

“This ‘thing’?” Tetsu questioned him. “You mean your body?” 

“Well, it’s clearly not my _actual_ body, right? My real body was a lot more beat up at ten years old.” 

Asaka and Tetsu exchanged worried glances. 

“It’s whatever!” Ren laughed again. This was no laughing matter. “Does this mean I get to skip work today?” 

“That’s not what you should be thinking about right now.”

“So that’s a yes, I do get to skip work today. Woohoo! I’ll be downstairs, then. Seeya!”

He folded his arms behind his head, whistled, and strolled out of the room as if nothing was awry. It took the remaining two of them a full thirty seconds to realize they shouldn’t just let him leave. 

===

“—so now we’re here.” Asaka finished recounting the events of the morning to their new companion. Mamoru Anjou stood, obviously confused, staring intently down at the small frame of ten-year-old Ren Suzugamori. Ren was humming something very off tune and rocking back and forth on his heels. 

“And why did you come to the Dragon Empire branch?” He turned the stare to Asaka.

“A few reasons. More people would recognize him at United Sanctuary. Also, you’re much better versed in the language of children than either of us, being a father yourself.” 

Mamoru knitted his brow in further confusion. “I’m not a—” 

The aggravated wail of a defeated Vanguard fighter rang out from a nearby fight table, then toddler Ryuzu Myoujin came tottering over to where they were standing. “Mama.” He babbled proudly, tugging on Mamoru’s pant leg and holding up a grade four. 

“I stand corrected.” Asaka said.

“N-No. ‘Ma-Ma’ as in, Mamoru, not like—” 

“We were also hoping you could contact Ibuki for us.” Tetsu cut in to change the topic. “Perhaps he’d know something more about why this has happened?” 

“You couldn’t do that yourselves?” Mamoru asked, trying to pry Ryuzu away from his slacks. 

“Ren… wouldn’t let us call him.” 

“Yucky Ibucky’s no fun at all.” Ren muttered indignantly. “He’d probably dock my pay for this…” 

Mamoru snorted. “Dock your pay? So your body’s ten, but your mind is still twenty-two?”

“Oh, no. ‘Course not. I’m just an educated youngster.” Ren batted his eyelashes innocently. Tetsu let out a long sigh. 

“...Right.” Mamoru ceded. “In any case, we should still tell him. Ibuki would know more about, ah, supernatural occurrences like this. If not, then he should still have connections with the Tatsunagi Foundation and… whatever their operations entail. Ren, why don’t you go play with Ryuzu for a bit while the adults talk things over?” 

Ren narrowed his eyes, deciding whether he should take offense to that statement. In all honesty, that would be a valid thing to tell him on any normal day as well. He shrugged. “I _have_ always wanted to fight the genius Vanguard prodigy myself… Oh alright. Couldn’t hurt.” 

“Demiurge will destroy you.” Ryuzu spoke with a deadly cold tone and uncanny pronunciation for a toddler. Ren chuckled darkly and led the child away to a nearby table. 

“How did this all come about, anyway?” Mamoru asked. He kept a protective eye on the kids. “I know Ren gets himself into plenty of… interesting situations, but this is something else entirely.”

“No clue.” Tetsu admitted. “And unless Ren’s playing dumb, he doesn’t know either.” 

“Surely he wouldn’t withhold information on a matter as pressing as this.” The other two let out vague noises of disagreement. Mamoru sighed. “You know, I’m not sure this is all that different from his normal attitude.” 

Asaka gasped. “Are you calling him immature?”

“That is exactly what I’m saying, yes.” 

There was a loud gasp and more shouting from off to the side. “The second I look away…” Mamoru muttered as the three turned to see what caused the commotion. Ren was gone from the table. “Oh, no.” 

“E-Eh?!” A startled high-pitched voice squeaked from not too far away, and the group spun around to find Aichi standing there, Ren already having thrown his arms around his waist in a constricting hug. “I-I’m sorry, do I know—” Aichi froze and took a good look at the boy encompassing his torso. “Hold on, you look an awful lot like…”

“Aichi!” Naoki Ishida called, strolling over beside Shingo Komoi and holding a few bags of chips. It seemed that keeping this matter confidential was off the table. “Who’s the little one?” 

Shingo furrowed his brow. “Wow, did Ren Suzugamori have a kid? Looks just like him.” 

Ren leaned away from Aichi’s chest to answer, and to stick his tongue out at the newcomers. “Of course not, silly! _I’m_ Ren!” 

“HUH?!”

“Oh, no.” Mamoru repeated as he took a step away. “I should… go make that phone call. Be back soon.” 

“Aichi! You didn’t tell me you were back in town!” Ren stared up at him with shining eyes— it was so strange for anyone to stare _up_ at Aichi. 

“Aha, yeah… Sorry about that. I’ve got a few weeks off school, so I’m visiting for a bit. My flight only landed yesterday… And with good timing, too? Why are you so small?” 

“I dunno!” Ren exclaimed, grinning brightly. “Look, Aichi, I’m almost as tall as you! This is such an interesting new angle.” 

“He’s been like that since this morning,” Tetsu explained, joining the group. “We’re trying to find out how to fix him.” 

“Oh. Weird…” Aichi mumbled. He leaned down a bit to inspect little Ren’s features. After a moment of silence, Ren booped his nose. Aichi hummed in thought as he lightly pushed the small hand away from his face. “I assume that means you don’t know what caused it either?” 

Tetsu shook his head solemnly. “Your guess is as good as mine. Do you think it could have something to do with his PSYqualia?” 

Aichi straightened back up and donned a curious expression. “I mean, I’ve never de-aged before. I could ask Leon…?” 

“Aichi!” Ren jumped up, demanding more attention. Aichi sighed. “Hey, hey, we should call Kai! He’d totally wanna see this.” 

“Er, Kai?” Aichi crouched down again to speak to him. “You know he’s busy with work nowadays. The Circuit’s starting soon.” 

Ren pouted. “Too busy for me?” He paused, then answered his own question. “Actually, he never picks up when I call, anyway. Too busy for _you,_ though?” 

“Um,” Aichi blinked. Kai usually answered when _he_ called, yes, but. “I don’t want to bother him…” 

_“Pleaaase?”_ Ren tilted his head and stuck out his bottom lip; the art of a child who wants something they can’t have. “C’mon, Aichi-waichi, help a guy out.” 

“Aha... Tell you what.” He leaned in a bit further to negotiate. “If you promise to behave for the rest of the day, and do whatever uh,” He glanced to the side at Ren’s current, what, guardians? “Whatever Tetsu and Asaka ask of you, then I’ll… shoot him a text and tell him to get in touch. Okay?” 

“Okaaay,” Ren frowned, but obliged. “Promise.” 

“Tell us what you did to turn yourself into a kid.” Tetsu said flatly.

“What? Oh, please, that’s not fair!”

“So you _do_ know what you did.” 

Aichi lowered his eyebrows. “Ren, you want to go back to being big, don’t you?”

“Yeah, well. I don’t know _exactly_ why this happened.” Ren mumbled in annoyance. “I do a lot of things, y’know. It coulda been the ouija board, or maybe I angered a witch from Cray from trying to talk to her too much… Maybe it’s just a cold! We’ll never know for sure.” 

“You _what?!”_

“Oh, Ren…” 

“Wait, so…” Naoki and Shingo were still standing off to the side, watching in confusion. Naoki squinted and pointed between the four of them. “He’s a— Huh?” 

===

After gaining no leads from Ibuki (he’d gotten in touch with Nome Tatsunagi, who’d simply laughed and reminded them that he was an _observer,_ and that all this nonsense was quite fun to sit back and _observe),_ they… gave up.

“What should we do now?” Mamoru asked, holding out his phone with Ibuki on speaker.

“I don’t know. Tatsunagi didn’t seem worried at all, though he also didn't seem completely unaware something was happening. So… wait it out? He’ll be back to normal in a few years, if not sooner.” 

So. They left. Ren wanted to go to the mall. 

In the car, he was short enough for the seat belt to cover his face. Tetsu made him sit on a towel he found in the trunk.

Instead of walking, Ren insisted on skipping a few feet ahead of Asaka and Tetsu. That led him to constantly bumping into distracted shoppers, and Asaka constantly apologizing on his behalf. Then they came across an indoor play area for children, and Ren looked to Asaka pleadingly, and Asaka looked to Tetsu pleadingly, and Tetsu grumbled, “Go on.” Then Ren raced off into the miniature ball pit. 

An hour later, Tetsu and Asaka were seated at a nearby table, sipping matching coffees, and Ren came skipping back over hand-in-hand with another child half his (body’s) age.

“This is Enrico!” Ren chirped, gesturing to his companion. “He and I are friends now.” 

“Es.” Enrico mumbled with glazed eyes. “Fend.” 

“I gave Enrico’s mom your number, Tetsu. Hope you don’t mind. She thinks a play date would be lots of fun.” 

“Ren—” Tetsu watched as Ren gave Enrico’s hand a few pats and sent him off back to the play area. Enrico face-planted into the ground a few feet away. Ren flinched. Tetsu sighed. “That’s… fine.” 

Ren turned to them and hummed. “Man, I’m pooped after all that running around.” He gasped. “You know what we need? Ice cream! I think I saw mochi on one of the menus in the food court!”

“That does sound pretty good…” Asaka muttered, sending Tetsu a glance.

“You’re just as bad as him.” Tetsu told her. “Sure. If you can order it, you can eat it.” 

Ren giggled, grabbed Asaka’s hand, and led her off in the direction of the food court. Tetsu may have just given him too much power with that statement. 

===

“I. Am. Stuuuuffed.” Ren said contently from where he sat atop Tetsu’s shoulders. He folded his arms over Tetsu’s head and leaned on them. “Thanks for lunch, Tetsu!”

“Agreed. Thank you for lunch.” Asaka added, popping a breath mint. She passed one up to Ren as well. 

Tetsu heaved a sigh and adjusted his grip on Ren’s legs. 

===

When they arrived back at the Foo Fighter building, Ren flopped onto a cushioned chair in the common room and promptly passed out. 

“Aw,” Asaka cooed. “He must have less stamina as a kid. We should at least bring him upstairs, right?”

Tetsu only received a few confused stares as he bridal carried a ten-year-old into the elevator. It sent them up to Ren’s room and Tetsu dropped him onto his bed without much care. Asaka narrowed her eyes at him before leaning down and tucking him in properly.

“There.” She said proudly.

“I need a nap too.” Tetsu grumbled. Asaka laughed behind her hand. 

===

Hours later, Tetsu was woken up by the sound of someone clumsily opening the door. His bedroom was dark, aside from the light streaming in around the silhouette in the doorway. The silhouette: tall, thin, spiky, familiar.

“Tetsuuu,” It whispered in a low voice. “I had a nightmare.” 

Tetsu internally sighed and mumbled something incomprehensible before rolling over, leaving half his mattress unoccupied. Ren gasped, hurrying over to claim the open space.

Ren crawled under the blankets so they were back to back, and Tetsu drifted off back to sleep. Not until morning did he process that Ren was back to his twenty-two-year-old size, or that he was honestly just as childish as he was at ten.

===

A week later, Enrico’s mother became very confused when the address she was sent led her and her six-year-old son to a large, intimidating building with a strange blue, white, and green flag flying above it. She was even more confused when two grown men greeted them at the door, one looking suspiciously similar to the small friend who’d introduced himself back at the mall.

**Author's Note:**

> Half of this fic is just Tetsu sighing and grumbling
> 
> Also I may have to write something solely about Mamoru being "Mama" for Ryuzu I feel like that has so much potential


End file.
